My old friend, the black dog, the slayer of beautiful souls, the barbed arrow right through the heart, the chaotic evil, the disaster looming over the horizon.
OG Depression, the demon singing horrifying lullabies to my weary veins, the insecurity killing my glorious dreams, fraying a piece of my heart and numbing a fragment of my soul… it’s been a long time coming!
I would like you to know that you have been crossing my mind a little more than usual these past days and I won’t sweep it under the rug or let it slide. I made it crystal clear on my last post that exulansis does not live here – my pen will keep bearing me witness.
You claim to be a quintessential part of me; I have religiously ridden with you even in the face of death without flinching but you still haven’t done me right. When we met at age 14, I was quite innocent then, but not anymore. Thank God.
Many people do not understand when I say that pain is beautiful, because they believe I’m romanticizing pain. That I’m glorifying the process of surviving pain when in reality it’s the lesson in the survival that I glorify. Pain is beautiful, it gives me insight and empathy and compassion and soulfulness. And those are not your everyday qualities. Thank you for teaching me that my life is not sunshine and rainbows everyday and that’s OKAY.
Depression is the cubicle I’ve sat at, the fishbowl existence I’ve lived in, the cold table I’ve dined at. But they say you must learn to get up from the table when love is no longer being served. So today and all subsequent days, I choose to get up from the table. I choose love. All forms of love including self love. I mean didn’t they promise that if I love myself authentically, my energy and aura will reject anyone that doesn’t know my worth? Well you, my friend, do not know my worth. I can say that with a straight face and without an ounce of doubt in my soul. There’s no ghost of a chance here.
I choose love. There’s not a hope in hell that I will go wrong with love. Because love is a metaphor for forgiveness, a metaphor for strength and sweetness, a metaphor for redemption, for salvation, for healing, for wisdom, for might, for beauty, for royalty, for triumph, for goodness, for authenticity, for illumination, for jubilance.
Love is the voice of an angel from the shores of agony, from the tunnels of darkness, the sound of an angel serenading me to life, the heaves coming from my body.
Love is my father speaking words of affirmation, calling me graceful, professional, titular names everyday to my sometimes jaded soul from the other side of the phone. Love is my very African mother passionately calling me “the star” when she has five other wonderful children that sprung from her womanhood.
Love. It’s my doctor whispering me out of fear and putting my soul back in my body and ultimately both back in that recliner where he sometimes reads that medical history that reeks of something like the voodoo incantations of a stark raving mad Haitian witch doctor.
Love is my friends answering every frantic call and text, keeping up with my monotonous rants and not having a single selfish bone in their bodies.
Love is that doting fine man made of textures deeper than what I had been apprenticed to; the man polished by greater forces than flashy malls and bowling alleys.
Love is that stranger at the mall about 6 years ago eavesdropping on my conversation with a friend and remarking, “You are intelligent!” Love is me jokingly replying in a somewhat cogent tone, “Or maybe I just have good grasp of language!” Love is the wide grin preceeding us exchanging numbers and love, yes, love is him accompanying me to my first psychiatric appointment!
Love is that little girl at service last Sunday that clutched my hand a little tighter when my teardrop landed on her shoe during that spiritual sermon.
Love is that yet another very little girl at the sidewalks, the little girl whom I thought very well looked like eight glasses of water and seven hours of sleep, the beautiful little creature, the one at the sidewalks, the one that asked if she could touch my ears simply because, “zinashine kama stars,” going by the many piercings and golden jewelry. Of course it was a mighty yes from me!
Love, still on these little people, is that very very little boy from the opposite gate that returns the gesture by waving and smiling back each time we lock eyes. My goodness, whose beautiful son could this be?!
Love is my siblings finishing each other’s sentences. Love is the deep and seamless conversations from our childhood.
Love is my kinsmen in Ndhiwa, my neck of the woods, the cradle of the mighty Gor Mahia, the heart of the village, where people “lead the lives they choose” (not my words!), proudly putting me on a pedestal, paying homage to me, holding me in such high esteem as the strong woman, my great grandmother, CheChe, the woman who birthed that whole clan, the woman that willingly left Tanganyika because love knocked on her door, the woman my father named me after, the woman whose blood I’m so blessed and humbled that my children and their children’s children will carry for generations to come. Love is me tracing my roots to Tanzania and that side of the family’s every deed spontaneously giving hints of love.
Love is a real bond in a flawed world.
Love is Father Time allowing me to make monumental memories with my loved ones.
Love is my unborn nephew due sometime this month! The month of love!
Love is me learning a bit more about love and a little less about myself. Love is all the positive words and their nuances and layers of meaning, love is all the words that orchestrate me to leave my comfort zone or be my brother’s keeper. Love is me feigning strength until it’s inked in my bones, love is me drowning in insidous and compounding waves but still waking up to try and reach the shore tomorrow. Love is my favourite colour…love is your favourite colour too!
Love is my nurturing mother, love is my protective father, love is my charismatic sister, love is my unborn children lingering in my lover’s eyes.
Love is the whispering wind, love is the sun kissing the earth, love is the leaves breathing, love is the sea washing out, love is the raindrops pelting the roof as I sleep sound.
Love is the tasteful and timeless music and my dancing feet.
Love is my patchwork heart and my glitchy mind adorned, love is my sharp edges and missing parts validated. Love is my ocean of confidence.
Love is Wabi-Sabi. Love is me understanding that a box full of darkness is still a gift, and I can use that well for the highest good.
Love is the emotional explosions that thrust me into the arms of a loving God.
Love is me understanding that love is still very much in need of love today.
Love is me agreeing that life is my textbook and everyday I must breathe in a new page and be taught.
Love is me sharpening the blades of my pen to destigmatize the conversation around this sinister thing that is you, depression.
Love is me processing that the pen is mightier than the sword and paper is more patient than people.
Love is me catching a dream filled with affection and awe inspiring things and holding it in my heart until I get to see my loved ones in heaven.
Love is me becoming a vibrational match to each and every one of my dreams.
Love is butterflies, the whimsical beauties darting and swooping as they frolic between the greenery while I look on dreamily, touching me with their pale gossamer wings and leaving their magic on my skin as they restore my faith.
Love is the smell of fresh rosebuds.
Love is the beauty of the strange, the hope of time, the sound of space and the uncertainty of impossibility.
Love is the bountiful sky soaking my soul in the joy of illumination.
Love is the prickly bougainvillea not requiring a nod to harbour the blooming sight that wishes to protect its flower pod.
Love is me learning that in order for good things to come my way I must believe that I deserve them.
Love is me being nonchalant, unbothered and aloof from the playful bickerings that strive to force ugliness into my soul.
Love is me acknowledging that I cannot settle for being the gold fish in a fishbowl yet I have the capacity of a shark in the ocean.
Love is my aching awe and strong rush of gratitude for the good and the bad, for the yin and the yang, for all the blessings and the lessons.
Love is my philosophy. Love is my yellow brick road to happiness. Love is the future.
Love is not you, depression!
Love is me, me chasing my calling!